Awake again

It's been over a year since I've written anything. I was just here to read some of my old posts and find a MacDonald quote. It's good to be reminded of things. You know that centering, reflective mood it puts you in to revisit things you were learning? Do you ever get slightly discouraged to realize how long you've been struggling with the same issues? Still, the truth I learned then is inspiring to me today.

I'm at a very interesting place in my life right now. I'm so tempted to be overwhelmed, but instead I think I'll be just like a little kid and try to trust and obey for the next hour of my life.

I feel so blessed. I'm finally a real art teacher! I only sub about once a week and that will be over come summer. I've become quite fan of children's art.

I have a new "little sister" and we have so much fun together. On Saturday we went rock climbing and then walked around the university. After years and years of working with kids, it's so special to have one particular friend to hang out with.

I've had a complete change of heart recently. Or maybe just a renewal of what once was. I'd gotten so sick of the type of person my business was turning me into. It's so hard to explain, but I'd started obsessing over decisions and money. I've been terrified to make bad decisions (and I've made a lot of them). I'd also gotten very prideful. Somehow a switched was flipped, and none of that is important to me anymore. Maybe it's just easier to trust God now that things are going well, but I hope there's more to it than that. I'm learning to be grateful each day for what is, not what could be or should be. I've started to see God as jealous of his role as provider in my life. I used to think of God as my safety net. There when my strength, or finances or hope ran out. Now I see Him as my only source. This is His story. He is the one who is at work. It's His battle, it's His heart that breaks for His world. It is God himself who will call us, build us together, and show us the way to go. I know that should be obvious, but I'm not sure I completely understand it even now.

Easter

I joined Grace Community church for their Easter sunrise service as I have for years. It's become a personal tradition even when my family doesn't come. I stand there and give myself up completely to the joy of God's redemption. So often, I hold the heartache of this world in my consciousness at some level, but on Easter morning I celebrate the perfect kingdom that is, and is yet to come. He is for us. He is on our side. Then I went to the regular service at Vineyard, and out to Catalina to spend the rest of the day with my family. Greg joined us too. My mom and dad and I sat out in the garden with the wildflowers and birdsong. My parents are so wonderful. I'm so analytical, and they help me process through everything. I miss some of my old friends so much. I've been so focussed on building this little business of mine that I don't take time for the people I love. Of course the whole point of growing my business is so that I have the time and money to travel to visit friends. Oh balance is so hard to find!

Robert Falconer

Quote from Robert Falconer by George MacDonald
'Of one thing I am pretty sure,' he resumed, 'that the same recipe Goethe gave for the enjoyment of life, applies equally to all work: "Do the thing that lies next to you." That is all our business. Hurried results are worse than none. We must force nothing, but be partakers of the divine patience. If there is one thing evident in the world's history, it is that God hasteneth not.

Being sick

I've been sick for over a week now. I don't feel too terrible, just too weak to do anything. They say this virus can last up to four weeks! I haven't been able to work a whole day at all. This sickness hit right at a time when I was so excited about everything that I'm involved in. My art classes have been growing exponentially and I love the time I spend with the students. I've gotten involved with two great non-profits. One is called Arts for Life. I'm meeting precious, precious kiddos that make life so much fun! My roomies are the best! I see more and more of the the ways in which God made them truly amazing people. Every day I'm challenged by their sense of humor, hard work, compassion etc. I'm also finding time to hang out with my brothers. My little brothers have become friends. And yet, for now, life has all but stopped. Up until now, I've been in a sort of denial I guess. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up well again. In the mean time, I need to really trust God. I want to rest in him and take this opportunity to re-prioritize. "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise up early and stay up late . . . for the Lord grants sleep to those he loves.

Stories

This entry is for Nate. Thank you so much for leaving a comment. The truth is I thought no one ever read this. At first I thought I didn't care. You know, I've always journaled and I've never needed anyone to read that. But somehow I haven't had the emotional courage to put my heart out there and be faced with the fact that of all the people I love, not one is that interested. That's kinda hypocritical of me as I am not much of a blog reader myself, but there it is.

Life has been amazing to me recently. Though I guess I'm easily amazed. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode with the excitement of being alive, (such as getting a comment from an old friend at just the right time) though it is tempered by my almost daily bouts of melancholy. My previous entries really describe where my heart is still at. The only difference is that I try to live it instead of just talking about it. I've been meeting a lot of people in Tucson who share my passion for social justice and for seeing the beauty of God's kingdom here and now. Only someone who has ached for that for years can understand how exciting that is. I've got to leave for church. I'll write more later.

Rainy Saturday

What a beautiful morning! It's raining and I'm sitting here in my pajamas drinking tea. I just got a new George MacDonald book in the mail from Johanneses Printing and Publishing. (Robert Falconer). This is what they say. - Century-Old Literature that transcends time, culture and history stimulating higher, nobler and purer thinking. It's true. The moral atmosphere is healthy and deep in the reading of his books. I am never as strong, or wise, or hopeful, as when I am reading one. Another book that was like that for me was Jane Ere. It's a dream of mine to illustrate one of MacDonald's books. I discovered a potentially wonderful thing about myself. I am deeply affected by the things I read and watch and listen to, and by the people I'm with and the things we talk about. The great thing about this is that all I have to do to "stimulate higher, nobler, purer thinking" is to bring into my life noble things.

Stormy Weather Reading

Here's my most recient painting! It has taken me entirely too long, but it's finished (almost). When we were children we used to stay in beach cabins along the Oregon coast. I miss it so much.

The Weight of the World

Since reading Irresistible Revolution, I feel as though I've been trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know that wasn't the author's intention, but nevertheless... When we follow Jesus, we are asked to suffer for Him, and to even identify with the heartache of our world. And yet, the fruit of His Spirit are love, JOY, and peace. If I try to solve the world's problems without these, I'm not on the right track. Tonight the night was gentle and kind as I listened to a Graham Cook talk about God's powerful love and fatherhood. I may follow him into the darkest parts of the world, but the ONE I will be following is the Prince of Peace and The Father of LIght, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Rest is a powerful weapon.

Solidarity with the poor

But what if you are poor? What do you have to offer the kingdom then? What if you're struggling just to survive? Then those inspiring books couldn't posibly mean anything to you. People who "give up everything" still have the sainthood of having made that choice. I'm not poor, not even a little bit, but who am I to pretend that I have so much to give? I'm not even being responsible for what I have been given. I was jumping off the walls just hours ago to imagine ways that we could serve as a community. I guess that's the only part that really makes sense right now. Community. That's more at the heart of life then who has what or who gives what. To be more specific, I'm starting to hate substitute teaching. But I hate the idea of getting a real teaching job even more. I've tried for years to break into something I really want to do, and I just keep loosing ground. It's so amazing to think of being able to give and serve, but it feels like that's only possible when you're coming from a position of strength. Still, that can't be true. We are "created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepares in advance for us to do".

Irresistible Revolution

My heart and mind are full to overflowing, but I'm afraid they might wear me out before I actualy do anything. I'm reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborn. The ideas are ones that I've already known and tried to live my life by, but somehow it's inspiring and hilarious to hear them from his perspective. At first I felt as though I should change everying about my life, but then I realized that I am living as a follower of Christ. He HAS led me to this place. And yet... I think it's finaly almost time for somthing new. Yesterday I ate lunch with Adria. She is such an inspiration to me. We looked at the trasforming Tucson site by Community Renewal. Tomorrow I'm going to their Pastor's breakfast to find out what's going on in the city.

So it goes

This morning I taught an advanced art class to two girls that I used to babysit years ago. We had such a fun time. They are such "kindred spirits" even if they are some 15 years younger than I am. On the way home, my car died while I was going 60mph down Oracle. It has actually died quite a few times while I've been driving, but I usually just start it up again. It finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be driving around a car that could stall at any minute. It's actually quite a praise that nothing bad ever happened. I had it towed back out to Fred's in Catalina and walked home. I was able to eat dinner with my whole family (Dad just got back from Mexico this afternoon), so all in all it has been a wonderful day. My family let me borrow a car for now, but I have no idea what I'm going to do for transportation. I try to make good decisions when it comes to cars, but I seem to find a way to keep throwing away money. Still, I'm not worried, just a little curious.

Counter point

"Fundamental change is not a casual occurrence. We cannot casually commit to the process of spiritual transformation...Our entire being is called to the task, for the journey from density to light involves every aspect of who we are." Marianne Williamson
This quote was on Kelley's (Mama Monk's) blog. I was struck because is seemed like the exact opposite idea from the one expressed in the MacDonald quote that meant so much to me. Yet I think MacDonald would completely agree, as do I. I want to be transformed, to be pulled up and out of where I am. It's the classic and beautiful mystery about my job/God's job in my spiritual formation. I think, taken together, these quotes help me strike a good balance.

Peace

I can't tell you how much that last quote has changed my life. I'm so much more at peace now with who I am and where I'm at in life. It takes a huge amount of faith to let everything be OK. Especially for a discontent like me. I wish I could explain it. It's been a long time since I've really, really, truely believed that God cares about the details of my life. After all, things turn out so much differently than we expect. Out of nowhere, I was overwhelmed to tears as I tried to get my mind around the idea that God is intimately involved in my character and my story. I deeply miss my friends, the ministries I used to be involved in, my childhood geographies (Oregon and Mexico)...I've been so dissapointed with myself. Nothing has been good enough for me. And now I beleive that, "in Christ we lack no good thing". I believe (as an ultimate truth, if not always in experience) that God's heart holds every provision for every human condition. After all, he made us as we are. I'm going to live out this story...live my mistakes, live my failures, live my weaknesses, live the questions, live the dissapointments, believing all the time that God will make sure that everything turns out OK.

George MacDonald

Nothing could explain both my current frustration and my current hope as well as this quote from Sir Gibbie:
"The one secret of life and development is not to devise and plan, but to fall in with the forces at work - to do every moment's duty aright - that being the part in the process allotted to us; and let come - not what will, for there is no such thing - but what the eternal Thought wills for each of us, has intended in each of us from the first. If men would but believe that they were in the process of creation and consent to be made - let the Maker handle them as the Potter his clay, yielding themselves in respondent motion and submissive hopeful action with the turning of His wheel, they would ere long find themselves able to welcome every pressure of that hand upon them, even when it was felt in pain, and sometimes not only to believe, but to recognize the Divine end in view, the bringing of a son into glory; whereas behaving as children who struggle and scream while their mother washes and dresses them, they find they have to be washed and dressed notwithstanding, and with the more discomfort; they may even have to find themselves set half-naked and but half-dried in a corner, to come to their right minds and ask to be finished."

Greyhound Angels

I'm thinking of doing something that I've wanted to do for a long time. I want to ride the Greyhound bus line around the country, encouraging anyone I can along the way. I realise that loving people, praying for people, listening to people is something I can and should be doing on a daily basis. It's something I can do anywhere, anytime. However it seems like the opportunities would be more focused on a long bus ride. Maybe it could be like a discipline, teaching me to listen to God and to see this world through His eyes.

Pinocchio

This past year I've felt a lot like Pinocchio. He wanted to become a real boy, I want to become a real girl. A real human. There is so much I don't know. Old married couples, parents, soldiers, those who've experienced the deep hurt, poverty or loss. I'm humbled in their presence and I assume they live lives of more significance. But C.S. Lewis said in The Great Divorce that even our strongest human loves are not holy in and of themselves. Most of my ideas and loves and sentiments are still so small. Almost like play-acting. So much that I take so seriously, that I pride myself on, is like a puppet version of what is true. It makes sense that we have to pass though death into the Spirit filled life in order to become real. I think in some ways it's a process. I'm tired of my own take on love, beauty, pain, sacrifice, work. I'm extremely tired of the criterion by which a judge and value people and events. I'm so relieved about His promise to make us real some day.

Here's a slightly unrelated quote from The Great Divorce. I've got to fight this tendency.
"Every poet and musician and artist, but for Grace, is drawn away from the love of the thing he tells, to the love of the telling till, down in Deep Hell, they cannot be interested in God at all, but only in what they say about Him."

Summertime!

Wow. I just came home from the store with more fruit than we could possibly consume before it goes bad. That, and stuff for root beer floats! I had three new students come to art class today. It was a fun, crazy class and it makes me so happy. Lisa and Jessica will be in town for Marie's wedding. I'm so glad to see then both again. Lisa will be off to China, but Jessica will be doing her residency in southern California. It is my goal to see her often before she too is off to China. Last night the arts group from my church came up with a great project idea. I'm pretty excited about it, but I won't explain it just yet. I'll end this meandering post with a resolution. I want to find a really great Christian biography soon. Few things in my life have been as inspiring as the biographies I've read. Suggestions? I wonder if the public library would have any. I re-discovered the library the other day. Lots of great movies and music along with endless resources for my projects with the kids.

Flagstaff

I'm writing from a precious little room with a slanted ceiling on the third floor of an A-frame house. I woke up this morning to the sight of the sunrise on the San Francisco Peaks. The greenness and the coolness up here are wonderful! Tonight I'm going to a wedding up on the mountain. It sounds like it's going to be so much fun! This whole thing reminds me a lot of Kelley's wedding. I'm so grateful for this short weekend break!