Rainy Saturday

What a beautiful morning! It's raining and I'm sitting here in my pajamas drinking tea. I just got a new George MacDonald book in the mail from Johanneses Printing and Publishing. (Robert Falconer). This is what they say. - Century-Old Literature that transcends time, culture and history stimulating higher, nobler and purer thinking. It's true. The moral atmosphere is healthy and deep in the reading of his books. I am never as strong, or wise, or hopeful, as when I am reading one. Another book that was like that for me was Jane Ere. It's a dream of mine to illustrate one of MacDonald's books. I discovered a potentially wonderful thing about myself. I am deeply affected by the things I read and watch and listen to, and by the people I'm with and the things we talk about. The great thing about this is that all I have to do to "stimulate higher, nobler, purer thinking" is to bring into my life noble things.

Stormy Weather Reading

Here's my most recient painting! It has taken me entirely too long, but it's finished (almost). When we were children we used to stay in beach cabins along the Oregon coast. I miss it so much.

The Weight of the World

Since reading Irresistible Revolution, I feel as though I've been trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know that wasn't the author's intention, but nevertheless... When we follow Jesus, we are asked to suffer for Him, and to even identify with the heartache of our world. And yet, the fruit of His Spirit are love, JOY, and peace. If I try to solve the world's problems without these, I'm not on the right track. Tonight the night was gentle and kind as I listened to a Graham Cook talk about God's powerful love and fatherhood. I may follow him into the darkest parts of the world, but the ONE I will be following is the Prince of Peace and The Father of LIght, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Rest is a powerful weapon.

Solidarity with the poor

But what if you are poor? What do you have to offer the kingdom then? What if you're struggling just to survive? Then those inspiring books couldn't posibly mean anything to you. People who "give up everything" still have the sainthood of having made that choice. I'm not poor, not even a little bit, but who am I to pretend that I have so much to give? I'm not even being responsible for what I have been given. I was jumping off the walls just hours ago to imagine ways that we could serve as a community. I guess that's the only part that really makes sense right now. Community. That's more at the heart of life then who has what or who gives what. To be more specific, I'm starting to hate substitute teaching. But I hate the idea of getting a real teaching job even more. I've tried for years to break into something I really want to do, and I just keep loosing ground. It's so amazing to think of being able to give and serve, but it feels like that's only possible when you're coming from a position of strength. Still, that can't be true. We are "created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepares in advance for us to do".

Irresistible Revolution

My heart and mind are full to overflowing, but I'm afraid they might wear me out before I actualy do anything. I'm reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborn. The ideas are ones that I've already known and tried to live my life by, but somehow it's inspiring and hilarious to hear them from his perspective. At first I felt as though I should change everying about my life, but then I realized that I am living as a follower of Christ. He HAS led me to this place. And yet... I think it's finaly almost time for somthing new. Yesterday I ate lunch with Adria. She is such an inspiration to me. We looked at the trasforming Tucson site by Community Renewal. Tomorrow I'm going to their Pastor's breakfast to find out what's going on in the city.

So it goes

This morning I taught an advanced art class to two girls that I used to babysit years ago. We had such a fun time. They are such "kindred spirits" even if they are some 15 years younger than I am. On the way home, my car died while I was going 60mph down Oracle. It has actually died quite a few times while I've been driving, but I usually just start it up again. It finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be driving around a car that could stall at any minute. It's actually quite a praise that nothing bad ever happened. I had it towed back out to Fred's in Catalina and walked home. I was able to eat dinner with my whole family (Dad just got back from Mexico this afternoon), so all in all it has been a wonderful day. My family let me borrow a car for now, but I have no idea what I'm going to do for transportation. I try to make good decisions when it comes to cars, but I seem to find a way to keep throwing away money. Still, I'm not worried, just a little curious.

Counter point

"Fundamental change is not a casual occurrence. We cannot casually commit to the process of spiritual transformation...Our entire being is called to the task, for the journey from density to light involves every aspect of who we are." Marianne Williamson
This quote was on Kelley's (Mama Monk's) blog. I was struck because is seemed like the exact opposite idea from the one expressed in the MacDonald quote that meant so much to me. Yet I think MacDonald would completely agree, as do I. I want to be transformed, to be pulled up and out of where I am. It's the classic and beautiful mystery about my job/God's job in my spiritual formation. I think, taken together, these quotes help me strike a good balance.

Peace

I can't tell you how much that last quote has changed my life. I'm so much more at peace now with who I am and where I'm at in life. It takes a huge amount of faith to let everything be OK. Especially for a discontent like me. I wish I could explain it. It's been a long time since I've really, really, truely believed that God cares about the details of my life. After all, things turn out so much differently than we expect. Out of nowhere, I was overwhelmed to tears as I tried to get my mind around the idea that God is intimately involved in my character and my story. I deeply miss my friends, the ministries I used to be involved in, my childhood geographies (Oregon and Mexico)...I've been so dissapointed with myself. Nothing has been good enough for me. And now I beleive that, "in Christ we lack no good thing". I believe (as an ultimate truth, if not always in experience) that God's heart holds every provision for every human condition. After all, he made us as we are. I'm going to live out this story...live my mistakes, live my failures, live my weaknesses, live the questions, live the dissapointments, believing all the time that God will make sure that everything turns out OK.

George MacDonald

Nothing could explain both my current frustration and my current hope as well as this quote from Sir Gibbie:
"The one secret of life and development is not to devise and plan, but to fall in with the forces at work - to do every moment's duty aright - that being the part in the process allotted to us; and let come - not what will, for there is no such thing - but what the eternal Thought wills for each of us, has intended in each of us from the first. If men would but believe that they were in the process of creation and consent to be made - let the Maker handle them as the Potter his clay, yielding themselves in respondent motion and submissive hopeful action with the turning of His wheel, they would ere long find themselves able to welcome every pressure of that hand upon them, even when it was felt in pain, and sometimes not only to believe, but to recognize the Divine end in view, the bringing of a son into glory; whereas behaving as children who struggle and scream while their mother washes and dresses them, they find they have to be washed and dressed notwithstanding, and with the more discomfort; they may even have to find themselves set half-naked and but half-dried in a corner, to come to their right minds and ask to be finished."

Greyhound Angels

I'm thinking of doing something that I've wanted to do for a long time. I want to ride the Greyhound bus line around the country, encouraging anyone I can along the way. I realise that loving people, praying for people, listening to people is something I can and should be doing on a daily basis. It's something I can do anywhere, anytime. However it seems like the opportunities would be more focused on a long bus ride. Maybe it could be like a discipline, teaching me to listen to God and to see this world through His eyes.

Pinocchio

This past year I've felt a lot like Pinocchio. He wanted to become a real boy, I want to become a real girl. A real human. There is so much I don't know. Old married couples, parents, soldiers, those who've experienced the deep hurt, poverty or loss. I'm humbled in their presence and I assume they live lives of more significance. But C.S. Lewis said in The Great Divorce that even our strongest human loves are not holy in and of themselves. Most of my ideas and loves and sentiments are still so small. Almost like play-acting. So much that I take so seriously, that I pride myself on, is like a puppet version of what is true. It makes sense that we have to pass though death into the Spirit filled life in order to become real. I think in some ways it's a process. I'm tired of my own take on love, beauty, pain, sacrifice, work. I'm extremely tired of the criterion by which a judge and value people and events. I'm so relieved about His promise to make us real some day.

Here's a slightly unrelated quote from The Great Divorce. I've got to fight this tendency.
"Every poet and musician and artist, but for Grace, is drawn away from the love of the thing he tells, to the love of the telling till, down in Deep Hell, they cannot be interested in God at all, but only in what they say about Him."

Summertime!

Wow. I just came home from the store with more fruit than we could possibly consume before it goes bad. That, and stuff for root beer floats! I had three new students come to art class today. It was a fun, crazy class and it makes me so happy. Lisa and Jessica will be in town for Marie's wedding. I'm so glad to see then both again. Lisa will be off to China, but Jessica will be doing her residency in southern California. It is my goal to see her often before she too is off to China. Last night the arts group from my church came up with a great project idea. I'm pretty excited about it, but I won't explain it just yet. I'll end this meandering post with a resolution. I want to find a really great Christian biography soon. Few things in my life have been as inspiring as the biographies I've read. Suggestions? I wonder if the public library would have any. I re-discovered the library the other day. Lots of great movies and music along with endless resources for my projects with the kids.

Flagstaff

I'm writing from a precious little room with a slanted ceiling on the third floor of an A-frame house. I woke up this morning to the sight of the sunrise on the San Francisco Peaks. The greenness and the coolness up here are wonderful! Tonight I'm going to a wedding up on the mountain. It sounds like it's going to be so much fun! This whole thing reminds me a lot of Kelley's wedding. I'm so grateful for this short weekend break!

Father's Day

I want to start this entry with a disclaimer about the previous one. It doesn't bother me that Christians don't always want to be a part of huge events. Some people just don't like festivals or large groups of people. Others might be concerned about the brand of Christianity that might be displayed. I guess it just frustrates me when I don't see cooperation in general. It's when people who *claim* to care about diversity, or claim to care about changing our city, aren't interested in working together. I don't want this to become an agnsty blog. It's just something I'm trying to figure out. So much about faith and politics and social justice and unity in the kingdom remains unanswered for me. I know I could read a zillion blogs on the subject, but there have been too many words. It's something I have to work out in experience. My entry about One Kingdom Image was more of an observation of a phenomenon. I'll watch to see what happens.
Today I've spent a beautiful afternoon here at my parents house out in Catalina. I relaxed in the hammock hung in Chris' room and watched him draw. Can I say again how much he inspires me? He is amazing! My poor Russ is still so sick. I can hardly handle it. I'm so proud of him and Mom. They fight it every day with prayer, praise, scripture, good literature and good music.

One Kingdom Image

Today was interesting. Richard Noel (One of the foster parents for GAP) invited me to a meeting. He has started a non-profit called One Kingdom Image. It is a very collaborative and multi-dimensional organisation focused on using the arts in every capacity to promote joy, truth, love and community. I know that sounds pretty ethereal. It's taken me a couple of months now to even begin to understand what it is that they actually do. Richard himself is from Trinidad, and he plays steel pan. He and his band give concerts and teach children. His enthusiasm is so inspiring to me. He likes to network, and he knows so many talented people here in Tucson. I met several passionate people today at the meeting. Bringing people together and doing "kingdom work" as a result is very important to me. I realized that without the context of community, I never will find the courage to do and be all that I am passionate about. The meeting today was to plan a music and arts festival at Ried Park this Novemeber. It was interesting to observe the planning process and to hear everyone's ideas and perspectives. Anything that is collaborative in the Christian community is also very important to me. A few weeks ago, I went to an event for the global day of prayer. It was so great to see so many different cultures, races, and denominations praising God together. I know so many Christians who don't seem to have any use for this kind of thing. I doesn't make any sense to me. I just don't understand it at all. I don't want to be judgemental. I'm seriously trying to figure out where the disconnect is. What am I missing?

The Quest for Courage

Today I woke up with a free day ahead of me. I spent half an hour staring at my seascape painting, trying to find the inspiration to work on it which I never found. I was weighed down by stress, made worse when I got the news that my parks and rec "contract" for teaching art had fallen through. However, this crazy thing I'm trying is so great! I get to seriously trust God and watch disappointments turn into blessings. This afternoon there was quite a rainstorm! I went running in the rain, and that helped to wash away a good portion of the stress.

Orange blossoms like a prayer,
bless this trembling evening air.
Gentle wind and distant thunder
wisper, "these are days of wonder!"

I found a little bit of courage in this old file folder box I've been going through. I found all the CEF stuff I'd made for our Good News Club in little Mexico. It's good to remember how much passion I had. It was so old school, it makes me laugh. It's good to see all the materials I made, how many crazy things we tried, and how much we loved those kids. Crazy to think some of them might be in college by now...

I also found my old Teen Missions song book. How can I throw that away? "Walking on the heavenly road, I'm gonna lay down my heavy load, 'cause Jesus said he'd walk along with me. Praise God! Glory Hallelujia!" Again, so old school. I love it!

Motivation

After substitue teaching all year I am VERY happy for a transition. I had this crazy idea to go into bussiness for myself this summer as an art teacher. Last week was my first week of classes. I had a total of three classes, and six kids, here in our home. It was so precious! We all had a blast. I'm doing whatever I can think of to get more students. I'm also having so much fun creating curriculum! Maybe some day I'll even publish it. The idea, as always, has been to create time for my art. I have a few long term projects that I can't seem to find the courage to finish. When I do finish, it will be thanks to a few cheerleaders of mine who are each partial to a particular project. You know who you are and I thank you.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of working for free. Most people end up selling their lives to their career. I think we're just afraid to live our own life. I should speak for myself. I guess what I really don't want, is to require any outside motivation to live the life that I believe in. Having free time last summer, I've realized how much I rely on the need for money, or the obligation of committment, to motivate my best efforts. I think I'm just out of practice. Even though I don't currently have the income I need, I've *tried* to work/live as hard as ever. Soon, I hope to get back to a place in which I'm busy with kingdom work and money is a tool just like everything else.

A Visit From a Friend

My dear friend Kelley was in town receintly. She inspired me to start this blog. I hope it will give me the courage to "make heroic verse out of the prose of each day". Like the song... "stories don't mean anything if you've got no one to tell them to..."