The Weight of the World

Since reading Irresistible Revolution, I feel as though I've been trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know that wasn't the author's intention, but nevertheless... When we follow Jesus, we are asked to suffer for Him, and to even identify with the heartache of our world. And yet, the fruit of His Spirit are love, JOY, and peace. If I try to solve the world's problems without these, I'm not on the right track. Tonight the night was gentle and kind as I listened to a Graham Cook talk about God's powerful love and fatherhood. I may follow him into the darkest parts of the world, but the ONE I will be following is the Prince of Peace and The Father of LIght, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Rest is a powerful weapon.

Solidarity with the poor

But what if you are poor? What do you have to offer the kingdom then? What if you're struggling just to survive? Then those inspiring books couldn't posibly mean anything to you. People who "give up everything" still have the sainthood of having made that choice. I'm not poor, not even a little bit, but who am I to pretend that I have so much to give? I'm not even being responsible for what I have been given. I was jumping off the walls just hours ago to imagine ways that we could serve as a community. I guess that's the only part that really makes sense right now. Community. That's more at the heart of life then who has what or who gives what. To be more specific, I'm starting to hate substitute teaching. But I hate the idea of getting a real teaching job even more. I've tried for years to break into something I really want to do, and I just keep loosing ground. It's so amazing to think of being able to give and serve, but it feels like that's only possible when you're coming from a position of strength. Still, that can't be true. We are "created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepares in advance for us to do".

Irresistible Revolution

My heart and mind are full to overflowing, but I'm afraid they might wear me out before I actualy do anything. I'm reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborn. The ideas are ones that I've already known and tried to live my life by, but somehow it's inspiring and hilarious to hear them from his perspective. At first I felt as though I should change everying about my life, but then I realized that I am living as a follower of Christ. He HAS led me to this place. And yet... I think it's finaly almost time for somthing new. Yesterday I ate lunch with Adria. She is such an inspiration to me. We looked at the trasforming Tucson site by Community Renewal. Tomorrow I'm going to their Pastor's breakfast to find out what's going on in the city.

So it goes

This morning I taught an advanced art class to two girls that I used to babysit years ago. We had such a fun time. They are such "kindred spirits" even if they are some 15 years younger than I am. On the way home, my car died while I was going 60mph down Oracle. It has actually died quite a few times while I've been driving, but I usually just start it up again. It finally dawned on me that I shouldn't be driving around a car that could stall at any minute. It's actually quite a praise that nothing bad ever happened. I had it towed back out to Fred's in Catalina and walked home. I was able to eat dinner with my whole family (Dad just got back from Mexico this afternoon), so all in all it has been a wonderful day. My family let me borrow a car for now, but I have no idea what I'm going to do for transportation. I try to make good decisions when it comes to cars, but I seem to find a way to keep throwing away money. Still, I'm not worried, just a little curious.

Counter point

"Fundamental change is not a casual occurrence. We cannot casually commit to the process of spiritual transformation...Our entire being is called to the task, for the journey from density to light involves every aspect of who we are." Marianne Williamson
This quote was on Kelley's (Mama Monk's) blog. I was struck because is seemed like the exact opposite idea from the one expressed in the MacDonald quote that meant so much to me. Yet I think MacDonald would completely agree, as do I. I want to be transformed, to be pulled up and out of where I am. It's the classic and beautiful mystery about my job/God's job in my spiritual formation. I think, taken together, these quotes help me strike a good balance.

Peace

I can't tell you how much that last quote has changed my life. I'm so much more at peace now with who I am and where I'm at in life. It takes a huge amount of faith to let everything be OK. Especially for a discontent like me. I wish I could explain it. It's been a long time since I've really, really, truely believed that God cares about the details of my life. After all, things turn out so much differently than we expect. Out of nowhere, I was overwhelmed to tears as I tried to get my mind around the idea that God is intimately involved in my character and my story. I deeply miss my friends, the ministries I used to be involved in, my childhood geographies (Oregon and Mexico)...I've been so dissapointed with myself. Nothing has been good enough for me. And now I beleive that, "in Christ we lack no good thing". I believe (as an ultimate truth, if not always in experience) that God's heart holds every provision for every human condition. After all, he made us as we are. I'm going to live out this story...live my mistakes, live my failures, live my weaknesses, live the questions, live the dissapointments, believing all the time that God will make sure that everything turns out OK.