Awake again

It's been over a year since I've written anything. I was just here to read some of my old posts and find a MacDonald quote. It's good to be reminded of things. You know that centering, reflective mood it puts you in to revisit things you were learning? Do you ever get slightly discouraged to realize how long you've been struggling with the same issues? Still, the truth I learned then is inspiring to me today.

I'm at a very interesting place in my life right now. I'm so tempted to be overwhelmed, but instead I think I'll be just like a little kid and try to trust and obey for the next hour of my life.

I feel so blessed. I'm finally a real art teacher! I only sub about once a week and that will be over come summer. I've become quite fan of children's art.

I have a new "little sister" and we have so much fun together. On Saturday we went rock climbing and then walked around the university. After years and years of working with kids, it's so special to have one particular friend to hang out with.

I've had a complete change of heart recently. Or maybe just a renewal of what once was. I'd gotten so sick of the type of person my business was turning me into. It's so hard to explain, but I'd started obsessing over decisions and money. I've been terrified to make bad decisions (and I've made a lot of them). I'd also gotten very prideful. Somehow a switched was flipped, and none of that is important to me anymore. Maybe it's just easier to trust God now that things are going well, but I hope there's more to it than that. I'm learning to be grateful each day for what is, not what could be or should be. I've started to see God as jealous of his role as provider in my life. I used to think of God as my safety net. There when my strength, or finances or hope ran out. Now I see Him as my only source. This is His story. He is the one who is at work. It's His battle, it's His heart that breaks for His world. It is God himself who will call us, build us together, and show us the way to go. I know that should be obvious, but I'm not sure I completely understand it even now.

Easter

I joined Grace Community church for their Easter sunrise service as I have for years. It's become a personal tradition even when my family doesn't come. I stand there and give myself up completely to the joy of God's redemption. So often, I hold the heartache of this world in my consciousness at some level, but on Easter morning I celebrate the perfect kingdom that is, and is yet to come. He is for us. He is on our side. Then I went to the regular service at Vineyard, and out to Catalina to spend the rest of the day with my family. Greg joined us too. My mom and dad and I sat out in the garden with the wildflowers and birdsong. My parents are so wonderful. I'm so analytical, and they help me process through everything. I miss some of my old friends so much. I've been so focussed on building this little business of mine that I don't take time for the people I love. Of course the whole point of growing my business is so that I have the time and money to travel to visit friends. Oh balance is so hard to find!

Robert Falconer

Quote from Robert Falconer by George MacDonald
'Of one thing I am pretty sure,' he resumed, 'that the same recipe Goethe gave for the enjoyment of life, applies equally to all work: "Do the thing that lies next to you." That is all our business. Hurried results are worse than none. We must force nothing, but be partakers of the divine patience. If there is one thing evident in the world's history, it is that God hasteneth not.

Being sick

I've been sick for over a week now. I don't feel too terrible, just too weak to do anything. They say this virus can last up to four weeks! I haven't been able to work a whole day at all. This sickness hit right at a time when I was so excited about everything that I'm involved in. My art classes have been growing exponentially and I love the time I spend with the students. I've gotten involved with two great non-profits. One is called Arts for Life. I'm meeting precious, precious kiddos that make life so much fun! My roomies are the best! I see more and more of the the ways in which God made them truly amazing people. Every day I'm challenged by their sense of humor, hard work, compassion etc. I'm also finding time to hang out with my brothers. My little brothers have become friends. And yet, for now, life has all but stopped. Up until now, I've been in a sort of denial I guess. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up well again. In the mean time, I need to really trust God. I want to rest in him and take this opportunity to re-prioritize. "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise up early and stay up late . . . for the Lord grants sleep to those he loves.

Stories

This entry is for Nate. Thank you so much for leaving a comment. The truth is I thought no one ever read this. At first I thought I didn't care. You know, I've always journaled and I've never needed anyone to read that. But somehow I haven't had the emotional courage to put my heart out there and be faced with the fact that of all the people I love, not one is that interested. That's kinda hypocritical of me as I am not much of a blog reader myself, but there it is.

Life has been amazing to me recently. Though I guess I'm easily amazed. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode with the excitement of being alive, (such as getting a comment from an old friend at just the right time) though it is tempered by my almost daily bouts of melancholy. My previous entries really describe where my heart is still at. The only difference is that I try to live it instead of just talking about it. I've been meeting a lot of people in Tucson who share my passion for social justice and for seeing the beauty of God's kingdom here and now. Only someone who has ached for that for years can understand how exciting that is. I've got to leave for church. I'll write more later.